Are you looking for happiness? Are you looking for a way to feel fulfilled? Well, stop looking right now and start living! LOL! I don’t even believe that for a second myself!
The idea that some day you will have enlightenment and be fulfilled, it’s a crock of s***! People in this world are now hostile, there is no compassion for one and other! There is no sense of community! They live in a social age where interaction is irrelevant unless it is a like or a smiley face!
Kids go to school and stab each other, kill their friends and couldn’t give two hoots about consequences. When I was a kid I knew there were consequences to every action! That made being bad a risk! Being naughty was a risk! What if you got caught!
Like kids these days would happily kill someone over a bag, a text that is out of line or just a social media cock up! What is wrong with the world!
My life isn’t easy to live at the moment, that’s due to this bastard disease but I am still powering through trying to beat it and move past it! I know it’s terminal and incurable, but I always have that hope, it keeps me going. The writing, the smiling, the making jokes, the doing videos, the explaining how I feel. It all gets me to a place where I can sleep at night!
What am I ranting about, well I am sad that the second you show compassion, love or empathy for others you must have an ulterior motive or people are negative with no reasoning. This is a common issue, I am pretty old school, so I am complimentary to people, I also believe that praising someone is the best way to get a good response from another human. Positive reinforcement and all that jazz!
So, for example if I said I am glad I am having surgery, I would get the negative response of you have no choice. As if everything I say or will say already has a negative response attached. Maybe it is my perception of this, but I have been noticing it more and more.
I find myself questioning myself and my actions massively before I do anything now, out of fear that I may get a negative reaction from people. I feel like I am trying to live falsely. I feel like people make me out to be some kind of ogre, but in actual fact I am just stuck in the middle of masses of arguments, convoluted behaviour and people’s ignorance.
That is exactly what it is, ignorance, they say ignorance is bliss, but how is it? How can people live their life making others miserable when in fact they’re the ones who have such an ugly heart?
I probably am not explaining this very well as it even seems so convoluted even to me, but flippin heck. Why do people project their issues and worries back on others?
I get angry like everyone, but I hate feeling pressured to make sense of others bullshit. That is exactly what it is, bullshit!
I feel like I have to defend both my actions and other’s actions as a response when sometimes the responses I get are just down right nasty! They are nothing to do with the reality and based on a perception of what they think is going on!
No fact finding takes place and then I get abuse. This isn’t to do with trolls either, this is just normal day to day life.
I am dealing with a life changing experience and possible end of life experience, I am trying to deal with it the best I can, I am no saint, I get angry, lose the plot sometimes, and rant, rave and get aggressive. Who wouldn’t in this situation, but it is also made worse by lack of understanding.
The fact I look like I am fine, throws people off, makes them think I am fine, so I shouldn’t have feelings like this! When in fact the feelings I have are normal, they tear me apart and really do suck!
I don’t want to wear a sign saying I am sick, I am glad I don’t look sick, but I am under it all. Very sick and very worried like anyone would be in this.
I hope that I deal with this cancer with some decorum, some dignity and expose the horrific nature of it all!
My scars are only skin deep as people say but the emotional toll is all to easy to forget about!