Time, time is a hard thing to evaluate, it’s something we can’t get back and we can only strive to make up! The sad thing about time is that none of us know how much of it we have left, whether we get hit by a bus or are taken slowly by illness.
Time is apparently relative but to what? In my case time is not relative; it’s literally day by day, hour by hour. How I feel from day to day and hour by hour is very different to what most people feel.
Controlling pain, symptoms and stopping the fatigue from the cancer is near impossible now and I am hopeful the professors and surgeons can find a way to alleviate this pain now. The pain is becoming the most overwhelming part and my natural reaction to pain is to sleep through it, try and wake up feeling better.
Explaining how bad the tumours have got is not easy as there are tumours in almost every part of me now including bone, so it’s progressed through my lymph system, blood stream and body to take over as much of my body as it can, this is incredibly scary as I am never sure day to day where the pain will come from.
I lie in bed some nights scared to go to sleeps as it’s got so bad, some I guess is drug induced paranoia now and some is legit concern. That worry I don’t think will leave me now, I really don’t think I can shake it. Being scared that you will go into a coma, maybe not wake up and the world you know be lost! It’s a hardship that isn’t easy to take!
I know I would miss so much, mainly Becky. I adore that girl and I can’t even put into words or express how much she means to me. She hasn’t faltered me, hasn’t left my side, judged me or passed judgement on me. That is rare to find in a human!
Like in Forest Gump we are like two peas in a pod! We really are just two hyper, silly, extrovert and loving people. We thrive off each other’s energy and love.
Having a best friend, someone you can talk to on a level, expressing your true feelings is a thing to treasure, I searched all my life to find someone like that, someone I can just lie on the floor with and chat for hours about what may come, or what may never come. Having those brutally honest chats that lead to tears, hugs, kisses and usually sleep!
Anyway, time, none of us know what we have it’s all about making the most of what we have got! Expressing ourselves as best we can, showing the world love on a higher level!
In case you missed the video with the Professors check it out here, they explain time frames for me, my fight and possible ways we can still fight!
