Emotionally This Is Taking A Toll – My Brain Is Fried!

Are you looking for happiness? Are you looking for a way to feel fulfilled? Well, stop looking right now and start living! LOL! I don’t even believe that for a second myself!

The idea that some day you will have enlightenment and be fulfilled, it’s a crock of s***! People in this world are now hostile, there is no compassion for one and other! There is no sense of community! They live in a social age where interaction is irrelevant unless it is a like or a smiley face!

Kids go to school and stab each other, kill their friends and couldn’t give two hoots about consequences. When I was a kid I knew there were consequences to every action! That made being bad a risk! Being naughty was a risk! What if you got caught!

Like kids these days would happily kill someone over a bag, a text that is out of line or just a social media cock up! What is wrong with the world!

My life isn’t easy to live at the moment, that’s due to this bastard disease but I am still powering through trying to beat it and move past it! I know it’s terminal and incurable, but I always have that hope, it keeps me going. The writing, the smiling, the making jokes, the doing videos, the explaining how I feel. It all gets me to a place where I can sleep at night!

What am I ranting about, well I am sad that the second you show compassion, love or empathy for others you must have an ulterior motive or people are negative with no reasoning. This is a common issue, I am pretty old school, so I am complimentary to people, I also believe that praising someone is the best way to get a good response from another human. Positive reinforcement and all that jazz!

So, for example if I said I am glad I am having surgery, I would get the negative response of you have no choice. As if everything I say or will say already has a negative response attached. Maybe it is my perception of this, but I have been noticing it more and more.

I find myself questioning myself and my actions massively before I do anything now, out of fear that I may get a negative reaction from people. I feel like I am trying to live falsely. I feel like people make me out to be some kind of ogre, but in actual fact I am just stuck in the middle of masses of arguments, convoluted behaviour and people’s ignorance.

That is exactly what it is, ignorance, they say ignorance is bliss, but how is it? How can people live their life making others miserable when in fact they’re the ones who have such an ugly heart?

I probably am not explaining this very well as it even seems so convoluted even to me, but flippin heck. Why do people project their issues and worries back on others?

I get angry like everyone, but I hate feeling pressured to make sense of others bullshit. That is exactly what it is, bullshit!

I feel like I have to defend both my actions and other’s actions as a response when sometimes the responses I get are just down right nasty! They are nothing to do with the reality and based on a perception of what they think is going on!

No fact finding takes place and then I get abuse. This isn’t to do with trolls either, this is just normal day to day life.

I am dealing with a life changing experience and possible end of life experience, I am trying to deal with it the best I can, I am no saint, I get angry, lose the plot sometimes, and rant, rave and get aggressive. Who wouldn’t in this situation, but it is also made worse by lack of understanding.

The fact I look like I am fine, throws people off, makes them think I am fine, so I shouldn’t have feelings like this! When in fact the feelings I have are normal, they tear me apart and really do suck!

I don’t want to wear a sign saying I am sick, I am glad I don’t look sick, but I am under it all. Very sick and very worried like anyone would be in this.

I hope that I deal with this cancer with some decorum, some dignity and expose the horrific nature of it all!

My scars are only skin deep as people say but the emotional toll is all to easy to forget about!

Have A Video 🙂

About PeeWeeToms

So what's the story? Well in 2015 I was diagnosed with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma. To say the least it was aweful, I have managed to get through three years now with it coming back with vengance 4 times. On the 29th December 2017 I found it had likely spread. This is my dialogue with myself.

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11 Comments on “Emotionally This Is Taking A Toll – My Brain Is Fried!”

  1. Hey. I’m worried about the future also. Everything is about looks or money. The new generations are living a sheltered life in abundance, everything is about spending and showing what you got. BUT, I also know there is good in the world. There are people who have gone through some kind of trouble, and understand what empathy and compassion mean. That is after all what it takes to really awaken to feeling it and how important it is.
    I’m almost positive that at least 90% of people are on your channel to cheer you on, because they are compassionate people. You draw a bunch of your kinds into following you. But there always are the minority, the people who, for their own enjoyment, like to “question” and draw the last bit of joy you have left.
    They are the ones never gone through trouble, or they never experienced compassion from anyone during their own trouble. They are suffering themselves. God wants us to bless those who have wronged us in any way. I recommend you do that and leave them without a response so they’re not getting anything in return, which is the ultimate fuck you lol. They thrive on attention. You definitely have provided enough evidence already, if they are questioning your sickness.

    1. BINGO! Very well said! Love is greater than hate… by far. And we ALL must live in that love or our lives are over.

  2. I hear what you’re saying. The change in society is massive… it’s the “all about me” attitude, and people seem a lot more snotty overall for some reason. The only thing we have control over is our own feelings… We can choose to be upset by this downturn in compassion and understanding and rudeness of others, or we can just live with it and deal with our own stuff… being mindful of our own choices and feelings. We can’t change others. We can set an example of how we want to be treated by treating others the same way we’d like. That’s what i do. It hurts a lot when I see the apathy and lack of caring in society in all places, but then i turn and look at something beautiful… the sky, cloud formations, beauty in nature anywhere i can find it. For me, at least, it helps some.

    I look forward to reading your sharings each day, Dan! Always thinking of you!

  3. I only follow two vlogs, yours being one of them. I am so inspired by your great attitude about what’s happening in your life. You are going through something very hard and trying to make the best of it and help others in the process. I really love that! Your are helping others by being honest about your feelings and trying to make sense of this crazy world we live in.

  4. I enjoy your post because they are sometimes so raw and real and you tell it like it is. Hugs in your healing.

  5. Dan , I remember once you talked about a PO box but you couldnt afford one , well have you considered an Amazon wish list ? Just a thought ..I am sure people would love to treat you and make things easier and show some love xx

    1. I really wouldn’t know how to set that up either lol I have an office from next week that things can be sent to 🙂

      1. Oh thats wonderful news Dan ..It is really very easy to do tho ,have a look .Keep positive , even tho we know you are human and bad days , bad thoughts come , I just wish you would learn to block out vile nasty people they are not worthy of a second thought or reply . Love to your family and Clair x And I know I have said this before BUT get some exposure please , I cried when I read the article in the Birmingham post , the pain you must have been going thru ..this is a rare cancer time for some rich money man to shine surely? x

  6. My dear sweet guy! Let me tell you and all that respond to you that many of my Stage 4, advanced cancer patients do NOT look like they are sick and dying. Those that happen to look very sick are ones that are trying intense treatments or are in their final days.

    I don’t know why we as human beings think that we know everything about cancer based on the experience of some other person we have heard about and don’t have the whole story.

    One poor woman had a family member tell her not to get radiation treatment here because”that hospital burns people!”. It turns out that the type of cancer the other person had was of the neck and throat and the side effects are what happen to anyone who has radiation in that part of the body no matter where in the world they may be.

    Don’t listen to the idiots who say these things to you. Delete them!!! Block them!!! Stick with those of us who are praying for you and supporting your choices for care. You do what is best for you mentally emotionally and physically. Tell the rest of the world that when they have cancer and really know what it feels like or they have a doctorate and specialize in oncology, they can then give an opinion and maybe you will think about listening. Because EVERY CANCER IS DIFFERENT FOR EACH INDIVIDUAL. I help people with stuff like this everyday and I would just love to give some a foot in their butts.

    You are wonderful, handsome, smart and a light to us all.

    Love and prayers!

    Laura the oncology navigator in America

  7. I have nothing but love and admiration for you and the negativity is just coming from the “basement” people on this earth. You are staying in the balcony Daniel and I truly believe that is your mission! You are helping others now and in the future more than you know. Don’t let anyone bring you into their own personal basement!!!!! Please know that you are helping so many every day with your love, sense of humor and dedication to finding out all you can about this horrible disease!

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