Documenting The End Of My Life

So, I am now documenting the end of my life, getting up the courage to post a video now is not easy, I am in a constant state of sickness, confusion and don’t really know what to do with myself now. I am able to remain in some semi conscious state most the time to keep the illusion I am ok, but I am far from it.

I have been contacted by numerous hospitals all over the world and they aren’t confident they can help as it may make me sicker and make the remainder of my life hell. But as I have always said everything is worth a shot, everything!

I have spent the last week getting my affairs in order so as I can have as much fun as I can, while I still can. Honestly, I don’t think that will be long, even with medical intervention, the internal changes, pain and the amount I am suffering now is unreal to me.

I can’t sleep at night as I have tumours in numerous places meaning it’s almost impossible to get comfortable and make it through the night, like sleep all the way through the night.

All my hopes, dreams and aspirations seem to have evaporated into the distance and I find myself staring into the sea with awe but also a great deal of sadness and that realisation this is just a fleeting moment.

My life has become a bit of a circus, in and out of hospitals, parading about the country just trying to get this cancer dealt with and potentially cured! But what has it been for? Nothing now, nothing! No one knows what to do with me, no one knows how to stop it, no one can slow it down and the reality is soon I will be dead.

That maybe hard for some people to take, but that’s the reality of it all. That is the reality of cancer! You can force positivity as much as you want! But no one on this earth is that mentally fit to be that positive all the time, everyone has their episodes of sadness, everyone has those times of feeling down!

The crucial thing is that you live in the now! The present! Make the most of every moment you have, with the ones you love, the ones you grow to love on the journey, and the ones that enrich your life!

Pay that favour forward, your acts of kindness will always be remembered, you may not get something back immediately but that is not the point! That favour maybe paid forward to someone else, someone else may benefit from your kindness, care, support and wisdom.

Don’t be shy to share your mind with others, don’t be scared on showing emotion as this is what helps people show empathy towards a situation, without emotion you just end up as a robot, somewhat lifeless.

If you are not living, you are dead already, they said to me if I stop living life the way I am my body will just give up very quickly! I can’t let that happen! I am a fighter, I have always been, a seeker of answers in a dark world. A dark world full of greed, superficial ideas, social stereotypes and a plethora of evil.

Do what makes you happy! Do it daily, do it as much as you physically can, breathe it in, remember every sense involved and treasure it. You never know when it will be your last!

I guess the point I am trying to make is that life is short, the past doesn’t matter a whole bunch. The reality of life is the here and now! The present! The way you live today that makes a difference, the future isn’t here yet and as such doesn’t matter as you have no idea if you will make it that far!

Make the most of today! Tell the ones you love you love them, spend quality time with them and focus on being happy and what makes you happy! Stop trying to make everyone else happy and attract that happiness to you! Smile daily, show them teeth! Laugh hard, like really belly laugh! But most of all be yourself!

About PeeWeeToms

So what's the story? Well in 2015 I was diagnosed with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma. To say the least it was aweful, I have managed to get through three years now with it coming back with vengance 4 times. On the 29th December 2017 I found it had likely spread. This is my dialogue with myself.

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