Last night was not a good night, recovering from surgery is hard work. I mean, the pain is intense, but the actual mental anguish is huge as well. The amount of time spent alone with my own thought’s is huge, I can’t feel my arm still which I can’t get used to.

Pain meds are a strange love affair as well as I am not sure what is causing me to feel sick and nauseous, the nausea is like intense sea sickness now. I am having trouble breathing which has happened for a while but is causing me to hyperventilate which as well is not something I am used to.

There’s other nasty symptoms but I don’t want to really go into them, but it’s safe to say that my body feels incredibly weird at the moment.

The pain is manageable but again, sleep is hard work as people constantly wake you to take meds, do blood pressure tests and get the observations done.

I have had surgery numerous times, I am used to all this, but this is much bigger than any surgery I have had before and the toll on my body is much more than ever before.

You know when you get that feeling that you want to just jump into your own bed and hibernate away from the world? That is how I feel right now.

I am pretty upbeat though even though I am down, makes no sense but I am still like yeah!!!! It is out of me! Onwards and upwards! Beat this bitch!

The upbeat me wants to just go for a walk around the hospital and see what is about but the sensible realistic me knows I can’t move more than 5 feet without being in intense pain!

Catch 22, it really is a crazy catch 22!

I suppose I can’t complain, I have my own room, a TV, my gadgets, the internet, fed, watered and looked after really well.

I guess I am just not used to slowing down, I guess I am not used to stopping for even 5 minutes. I know I need these 5 minutes of rest, but my body does not know how to make that rest happen!

I am the idiot who made the choice to have this surgery and have it all in one go, but blooming heck it’s a bit of a life changer. No more star jumps and no more working out for some time, I guess I can get used to that though, I am sure I can get used to that actually.

How I feel today is weird, wired and worried. I do realise these are all normal emotions so it’s all good.

There was a lady next door to my room as well last night who was making noises all night which added to my brain going into overload as well! I did eventually sleep though which was amazing!

The staff in this hospital are amazing though, I cannot praise them enough. I just wish I wasn’t in here as I am really bored! I am that bored I have written far to much on my laptop now, and taken far to many random weird pictures and annoyed everyone I can! I need to find something else to do now!

I need to come up with a game that only I know about and annoy everyone with that I think! Really go to town with it as well cause a bit of controversy!

I know hospital stays are never fun, they really do suck! But it is the best place for me at the moment, definitely the best place for me at the moment!

About PeeWeeToms

So what's the story? Well in 2015 I was diagnosed with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma. To say the least it was aweful, I have managed to get through three years now with it coming back with vengance 4 times. On the 29th December 2017 I found it had likely spread. This is my dialogue with myself.

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4 Comments on “Sleeping Isn’t Easy In Hospital”

  1. Dan. I was at the Marsden with my dad yesterday. Everyone should read your blogs to really understand what a horrific disease cancer is. The fact that is affecting increasing numbers of young people and children is shocking. Babies are born with cancer sometimes now. You are doing so much to get the realities of it out there. My dad waited two hours for his appointment yesterday. Cancer patients were standing up waiting, it was so crowed. How the nhs can expect these brilliant, kind doctors to work in those conditions is a scandal. Every day will get a little better. You will never ever need such a massive surgery again. So many of us are always thinking of you. You have and will continue to change people’s lives.

  2. Hey Dan. This reminds me so much of when my mom had cancer and went through her first spine operation (Multiple Myeloma had eaten away at her vertebrae). Same emotions & pain for her, For us, swings between being ecstatic she made it through, being so thankful, fear, worry, racing minds and so much fatigue.

    Being tired just also really exacerbates whatever mood you are in. I had just flown from Holland to be with her/my family, so had been traveling and awake for a million hours. Also keeping a brave face and also cause I don’t do sad very well. Once everyone kinda settle down, I took a walk in the hospital. my face down. After a minute or 30 I looked up to see the most precious nurse. She saw me and took me into a room and I just cried on her shoulder. I couldn’t in front of my family or even by myself. But with her I could. I don’t know the point of this story except to say if you need to cry and can’t do it in front of yourself or your family, I hope you find a shoulder that’s soft and comfortable.

    With you every step of the way and always sending love and non-painful hugs.

  3. Sounds like you’re getting everything in a good mental perspective, as best you can at the moment, but it’s the physical perspective that’s harder (the pain, difficulty breathing, and numb arm). You know you are where you need to be, where it is best for you at this time. You’re only in there a week, right? then you get to go home?

    dang, i remember being in hospital and how they wake you all through the night for bp checks and blood draws, and how incredibly noisy it is all through the night! Hang in there, it is not for that much longer!!

    i hope you keep writing, even if you decide not to post it. It is a wonderful thing to pen or type one’s thoughts and feelings, even if no one ever gets to read it. imo.

    Much love, many hugs to YOU!!!!

  4. Hey Dan I keep trying to say something that will be like that urika moment but I keep deleting and trying again. What you feel is normal as normal as it can be for someone who has been cut open , in pain and sleep deprived. I have fought mental health issues for 20 years , i can not say I know what you are physically going thru but I sure can understand your brain playing games ..most people who go thru surgery there is an end result , you know , fixing a broken bone etc for you there is not that instant fix so of course you feel confused , angry upset …Please focus on the docs coming up with something positive moving forward for further treatment .The love and support you have worldwide is for your bravery courage humour and the fact that everyone thinks you are an amazing bloke , because you are . Keep your loved ones close Dan never underestimated the power of love xx

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