This All Happened So Quick!

My meds have kicked in, I am feeling really bad, really down, in pain and fed up! My back is so swollen, my chest is swollen, I am just overwhelmed with emotion it sucks!

There is nothing brave about what I am doing, there is no other way I would want to be. I want to find answers for me and others, I want to solve this riddle that is killing me!

They took out a nerve in my arm as well and I have some crazy weird pain going on there which is a really strange sensation! I don’t think anyone really gets how serious my situation is because I am always putting on a brave face or smiling or “look good”. I don’t feel it, I am super self concious and I am just trying to get research done, find out how I feel and work on changing perceptions!

How are you meant to comprehend something that happens so fast?

How are you meant to take it all in? I mean this affects so many people not just me! What is crazy is the amount of destruction that cancer causes. Not just in the body of the individual but for everyone who is involved. It is a crazy amount of pain that it causes.

Sometimes you just don’t know what to say to people or what they are going to say to you to set you off. The vlog I do, is hard as sometimes I want to just lash out and shout my head off because I am so angry with everything that is going on.

I am always stressed out, I am always worked up. It is relentless, it’s a cavalcade of emotions and it’s never easy!

Some cancers can be cured, some cannot, some are just undefinable. Mine is just an evil piece of shit that won’t let me go! It comes back with vengeance every time!

I can’t hide from it, it’s not curable, it’s not going to get any easier if anything it will only get harder. The amount of surgery is huge! I have so many holes in my body now you could play operation with me, which I’m sure would be funny.

Time, they say is a great healer but what if time is not on your side? What if time is the killer in the situation?

How am I coping? Really? Not very well. This whole thing is destroying me and driving me bat shit crazy! The medication is making me lose it and I am slowly losing my mind in relation to things I am usually rational with.

I am finding it increasingly more isolating, whether I am doing that myself as a way to disassociate myself from people as I don’t want to hurt them or if I just can’t comprehend it all.

Being alone is easier sometimes as you can’t hurt anyone if you are on your own, your just you and your thoughts.

Why am I constantly writing while I am in major pain, healing from surgery and trying to make sense of stuff? I don’t know if I am honest. I just wish I knew some of the answers but I don’t think I will ever find them, but I will definitely keep trying to find them regardless of what others think.

I want to survive and make it through this as best I can, I know the natural progression of this cancer and I am obviously worried, I am obviously concerned. I know a lot more than most do about this and the way it flows through the body, I have had so much done over the past few years and lost so much.

My heart and brain hurt now, I keep thinking this is just a huge bad dream, an awful bad dream.

I truly wish it was a dream.

I wouldn’t ever wish any of this on anyone ever, I wouldn’t want even my worst enemy to have this. Sadly, millions of people go through cancer and its destructive effects daily.

I just need to vent sometimes I think that’s why I write and vlog. I need it to cope with how bad everything gets!

Someone Said Whats The Latest News…

I thought it would be funny to post a pic of the news! Ignore my swollen man boob!

About PeeWeeToms

So what's the story? Well in 2015 I was diagnosed with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma. To say the least it was aweful, I have managed to get through three years now with it coming back with vengance 4 times. On the 29th December 2017 I found it had likely spread. This is my dialogue with myself.

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9 Comments on “This All Happened So Quick!”

  1. I had a whole thing typed up like usual but nothing I can think to say sounds like enough so all I can do is send you this <3 to let you know I am thinking of you, Lots of gentle hugs as well.

  2. Dan it is ok to vent. Sometimes getting things off your chest so to say is cathartic especially with what you are dealing with. Just know you have a community that is supporting you and that we care about you so very much.
    Hugs

  3. I am not gonna lie I cried reading this , we know you are in pain , we see the sadness in your eyes and thats ok ,please stop thinking you always have to be strong and upbeat all of the time ..You have done nothing wrong , cancer is hurting you and your loved ones , thats not your fault. – There was a time when I thought I couldnt read your blogs or view your youtube because it hurts to see you so sad and in pain. But cancer brings sadness and pain good days and bad days. Please Dan , share it all if you want too the good the bad and the ugly ..and the love and laughter .Your body has been thru hell ,please take time to heal and rest .I know you might not want to consider this but have you ever thought of something to help your low mood? You are loved by many hang on in there please xx

    1. First few days are the worst after surgery. Your feeling are completely natural. They never let you sleep in hospital. Hope you get out soon so you can go home and sleep. I pray the lumps never return or they find a good treatment for their complete extinction.

  4. Dan, you’re understandably uncomfortable, and scared, and nervous. We understand… and I think it’s healthy to vent sometimes and just say “this effing sucks!!” Because it does!
    But the first few days after such a major surgery SUCK. You will get better. Physically and mentally. The fear of the unknown is scary and I totally get it. But please believe me when I say, no matter what happens, all will be OK. No matter what.

  5. I don’t see anything but pain,a man in great emotional and physical pain…..a HERO , who is so GRACIOUS to share such a SCARRY ,SCARRY JOURNEY. For that,I THANK YOU. YOU ARE THE EPITOME OF GRACE AND A FINE EXAMPLE OF THE KINDNESS OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT. GOD BLESS YOU DAN! Feel better! I am pulling for you ! Prayers,love and hugs….Michelle,a girl in Stone Mountain,Georgia

  6. Dan, you are a trooper. Really hope the nausea settles soon and pain comes under control. Sending warm wishes and gentle hugs xxx

  7. Hi Dan, I know there’s nothing I can do or say too make you feel better, but we are with you on your journey no matter where it’s going, stay strong and keep on trucking. Love and peace from USA and PA, sending you good vibes! Robin and family✌✌✌👊👊👊👍👍👍🙌

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