My meds have kicked in, I am feeling really bad, really down, in pain and fed up! My back is so swollen, my chest is swollen, I am just overwhelmed with emotion it sucks!
There is nothing brave about what I am doing, there is no other way I would want to be. I want to find answers for me and others, I want to solve this riddle that is killing me!
They took out a nerve in my arm as well and I have some crazy weird pain going on there which is a really strange sensation! I don’t think anyone really gets how serious my situation is because I am always putting on a brave face or smiling or “look good”. I don’t feel it, I am super self concious and I am just trying to get research done, find out how I feel and work on changing perceptions!
How are you meant to comprehend something that happens so fast?
How are you meant to take it all in? I mean this affects so many people not just me! What is crazy is the amount of destruction that cancer causes. Not just in the body of the individual but for everyone who is involved. It is a crazy amount of pain that it causes.
Sometimes you just don’t know what to say to people or what they are going to say to you to set you off. The vlog I do, is hard as sometimes I want to just lash out and shout my head off because I am so angry with everything that is going on.
I am always stressed out, I am always worked up. It is relentless, it’s a cavalcade of emotions and it’s never easy!
Some cancers can be cured, some cannot, some are just undefinable. Mine is just an evil piece of shit that won’t let me go! It comes back with vengeance every time!
I can’t hide from it, it’s not curable, it’s not going to get any easier if anything it will only get harder. The amount of surgery is huge! I have so many holes in my body now you could play operation with me, which I’m sure would be funny.
Time, they say is a great healer but what if time is not on your side? What if time is the killer in the situation?
How am I coping? Really? Not very well. This whole thing is destroying me and driving me bat shit crazy! The medication is making me lose it and I am slowly losing my mind in relation to things I am usually rational with.
I am finding it increasingly more isolating, whether I am doing that myself as a way to disassociate myself from people as I don’t want to hurt them or if I just can’t comprehend it all.
Being alone is easier sometimes as you can’t hurt anyone if you are on your own, your just you and your thoughts.
Why am I constantly writing while I am in major pain, healing from surgery and trying to make sense of stuff? I don’t know if I am honest. I just wish I knew some of the answers but I don’t think I will ever find them, but I will definitely keep trying to find them regardless of what others think.
I want to survive and make it through this as best I can, I know the natural progression of this cancer and I am obviously worried, I am obviously concerned. I know a lot more than most do about this and the way it flows through the body, I have had so much done over the past few years and lost so much.
My heart and brain hurt now, I keep thinking this is just a huge bad dream, an awful bad dream.
I truly wish it was a dream.
I wouldn’t ever wish any of this on anyone ever, I wouldn’t want even my worst enemy to have this. Sadly, millions of people go through cancer and its destructive effects daily.
I just need to vent sometimes I think that’s why I write and vlog. I need it to cope with how bad everything gets!
Someone Said Whats The Latest News…
I thought it would be funny to post a pic of the news! Ignore my swollen man boob!