Why Did I Call It A Dialogue With Myself

Song Of The Moment: Secrets – One Republic

This is a simple one, I haven’t written this blog for anyone else’s benefit! I have written this for me to try and make sense of everything that is going on in my life and what I am hoping to get out of it is closure to a lot of things that I grieve.

I miss a lot of things, there are things I physically cannot do now due to surgery and sickness. I just want to be able to explain this horrible disease from the perspective of someone who has tried to be positive, tried to be perceived as positive and tried to not get consumed by the bullshit of it all.

I have always been told it’s a sign of being crazy if you talk to yourself, so I thought I would do so via a blog, then I am expressing myself, sharing my experiences however boring and bland they are to some they may resonate with others and help them through a shitty patch! I know I have searched high and low for people going through the same as me and can’t find anyone my age, or alive that has the same type or issues. The closest I found to it unfortunately passed away mid-august last year at 26.

I didn’t know them and just messaged them through social media to try see if they had got more information than me on the subject, so it meant a lot to me.

I know that its only to easy to lie and say you are fine, when you feel like your going to keel over, so I hope that one day someone who reads this blog can have their own internal dialogue and decide who they are and the person they want to be.

You can either be defeated or you can say NO you will not control me, you will not dictate to me how I live my life.

I thought I would have a wife, kids and the dream life by now but it wasn’t to be. Don’t get me wrong even when I am homeless and have nothing left to my name I am the proudest person ever of myself and what I have achieved in my life.

I honestly mean that no one can beat me down, I have achieved more than most in my life and lost it in a breath due to my own stupidity, but I realise my own stupidity!

Rebuild, start again and start from the ground up! Lay the foundations of a great life and live it! Don’t react to others down right idiocy and be suckered in to their misery!

Miserable people don’t help anyone they just drag you down! Smile and the whole world smiles with you apparently! So why not try crack a smile even during adversity. Not every situation has to be doom and gloom! Sometimes you can actually have fun with the madness that surrounds you, I know that I love cracking a good joke or three at my own expense when I am in the hospital just makes it all so much easier to cope with and stops people crying around me!

But yeah, there is no narcissistic level to this or want for people to appreciate me for anything, I just want others to understand the amount of time it takes to get treated, how I feel daily and how the world sees it.


About PeeWeeToms

So what's the story? Well in 2015 I was diagnosed with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma. To say the least it was aweful, I have managed to get through three years now with it coming back with vengance 4 times. On the 29th December 2017 I found it had likely spread. This is my dialogue with myself.

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