Song Of The Moment: Asido – Purity Ring
Today is the 2nd of January 2018, 5 days since I found this god aweful lump that 5 doctors have concluded if Cancer again close to my lung, now I know what the standard procedure is for getting this dealt with, but all the oncologists are off!
My arm is numb, my left arm is slowly losing sensation and I am getting sicker by the day even though I have numerous meds to try stop it. I feel sick constantly now and I am having issues with eating that the meds won’t stop so I feel sick every time I eat. To top it off I found a new lump in my upper back by my spine which will need to be seen to as well.
I finally managed to get an appointment with the oncologist for Thursday but that’s days away and my mind is going crazy! My x-rays show no issues with my lungs but it’s not clear how big the lump in my side is now, the expectation is it’s 2cm with spread across my muscle from what we gather from the doctors we have seen.
My mental state is obviously a bit fragile right now, it’s a complete head fuck to be honest. I want to just get seen and know what I am facing, I hope it can be easily sorted but judging by previous experiences I am going to have to live like this for the rest of my life.
In limbo with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma! What the hell is a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma! People use that term for a cancer that has features of numerous cancers, which means it’s really hard to treat!
I have had this years and my head and body can’t take much more, I can’t sleep either as I go into over active mind mode before bed.
My main concerns now are how serious is it as I am in a much worse state than ever before, I also cannot keep pretending to be ok for everyone around me I feel like I am going to collapse every couple of seconds. Stress is a killer apparently and this is the worst stress I have had in years!
Unlike before I don’t want to end my life though, I don’t want to have it all over as I am at a place where I have fought this so long now I won’t be beaten at all! I just want knowledge and I want to feel better again!
I don’t think it is too much to ask for, I don’t want to die just yet either so kindly universe can you try make it so it’s not to bad and surgery can fix it! I like the scars now and I am ok with them, I don’t even mind if you must cut my man boobs off, I can take it! I can just pretend the shark was huge or a samurai got the better of me!
On a serious note though as the moment I have no idea just how serious it is, but considering this will be the 4th or 5th recurrence of this it doesn’t look to good! I say 4th or 5th as I don’t have the histology results from my last surgery and people are not very useful in passing on information.
I find solace in the idea that I am a bit of a joker and can usually find the funny side of everything but can’t seem to do that at the moment even though I keep trying to make puns!