It has taken me almost two weeks to film this and get up the courage to post this video. It’s not due to the fact I was unwell but emotionally it’s taken a toll on me. I am not like everyone else on YouTube, I try and use it to convey what is really happening, not push an unhealthy and unrealistic message, when I am in fact in utter pain, mental anguish and struggling to survive.
Positivity is key and happiness is key, but the reality is that it is painful. I can’t remember the last day I had when I wasn’t in pain. I had a conversation with a specialist this morning and said I wish I could just cut it all out now as the pain is unbearable sometimes, the response was unfortunately it’s gone to far for that!
Now, how do you stay positive while in pain, uncontrollable growths in your body and knowing that it is taking your life day by day! I can’t sleep at night due to the size of the tumours in my left side, my arm now is so swollen its getting painful when I am not resting it on something.
I get thousands of messages of advice, things to try and ways of trying to cure this, but I am not sure if anyone realises just how fast this is growing and spreading! I am already in the territory of should die any day! I am not going to let that happen though! My body gives up sometimes but I won’t ever let my mind get the better of me!
The what if’s and the anxiety of the whole situation has all left me now, I have no regrets, I have no time to waste and I have no time to not love everyone and everything that I put my heart into!
Some of my life now is highly private as I want to spend time with my family, friends and loved ones. I want to enjoy those moments, I want them to remember me for being a fighter, a smiler and someone who never gave up!
Now, life for me is about trying to succeed in the limited time that I have at the things I want to succeed at, make the appropriate plans for the future for my family, get my affairs in order and prepare for the end of my life. This is a lot harder than anyone would think as I have a lot of things to sort out.
Anyway here is the vlog…