It’s hard to put into words the sheer pain I am now in. The amount of tumours has vastly grown along with the areas they are in. Where before I was having to make weekly visits to the hospice and see them to manage my pain I have seen them three times this week now.
It’s important to me to get this pain management right now as I will show in a vlog later that pain is now a huge issue and bringing me great sadness. When I actually want to try be happy and enjoy my life.
What’s upsetting me most about it is my lack of ability to move like I was able to two weeks ago and enjoy that freedom I felt on my skateboard when I was blasting down the promenade late at night or purposely through tourists.
The change that two weeks has made is drastic and it’s all been out of my control, I needed to fix my biliary duct as I was scarily told I would slip into a coma at anytime and no attempt would be made now to revive me. That I believe still stands, if I slip and fade now no one will revive me.
I have been fighting this so hard for so long, solidly as well and in the open with no one on the outside of my close knit family and friend knowing just how bad things are.
The time has come to switch off the brave face and switch over to the I am a realist, a researcher, a social changer and I am going to show the bad things as well! There is nothing nice about what’s happening and very rarely anything positive that happens.
My girlfriend Becky has stood by me in the shadows for a while and I think it’s only fair she gets recognition for being there for me as well while I was in hospital for almost 3 weeks.
She did not falter, she did not leave my side and held my hand through some of the most troubling and worrying times. Not only that my mother came and spent the two weeks with me as well and endured my tirades, drug induced anger, spats and lack of ability to even speak or move.
This is what true love is, that love I have spoken of in the past. That unwavering and mountain moving love that means nothing is in the way when you know you have an end goal.
My goals are now small, day by day, but they are however mini triumphs and every day is a blessing even if it is scary as hell to live it.
I spoke yesterday to my doctor’s and said that the heart wrenching thing for me is I searched for months for answers and spent a small fortune on finding answers and nothing has worked, for me it wasn’t to cure me but was to try have one day free of it.
Free of the pain, free of the worry and concerns I now have. I never managed to get that and I certainly won’t get that now.
My care free attitude has now had to change into a much more caring attitude, not just to support me but those around me. But I will say this, though my body may not function and maybe playing me up with fatigue, pain, swelling, failing limbs and the rest I am still going! I am still fighting forward to get to another day!
Nothing gives me greater joy than waking up cuddled up to someone who makes me smile like crazy and know they are rooting for me along with the rest of the world!
I could write for days on this one but don’t have time. But know this I will be releasing my bucket list soon and reasons why I am doing it as I don’t have long left and I want to achieve a few things I haven’t been able to yet.
Much love as always everyone and ta-ta buh-bye