Words cannot convey they intrinsic fear of the unknown, words can’t even express the dismay that is felt, thinking about my life before cancer, the way that I used to be and the way I loved life!

Don’t get me wrong I try make the most out of life now still, but that is limited by pain, fatigue and a bunch of other factors. I do however try and make my life matter!

People say mind over matter don’t they, what about what doesn’t matter shouldn’t mind being pushed aside. My old life is now pushed aside, put to bed, put in a draw, only photos remind me of that life now.

The friends I have loved and lost, the ones I who have stood by me, the ones who have not. Those snapshots of life, those photographs that document my slow but steady downfall to now.

I started my adult life with drive, ambition, love for the unknown, fearless in every situation. I would have fought an army alone, I would have always bitten off more than I could chew. I would definitely have done it, but with a lot of that Dutch courage, but my point is I would have done it!

Now though, sheesh! I wouldn’t even need that Dutch courage, I would just dive in head first and hope for the best! I have told doctors to give me a scalpel, I would cut this horrific thing out myself and bleed out just to be rid of the pain!

People say their heartbreaks for me, but in reality, we all love a good tragedy, I am a circus clown there for people’s entertainment now, I get questioned daily on my legitimacy and that I don’t look sick!

By all means, come meet me, you wouldn’t last a second in a ring with me, even though I am dying! My sheer aggravation level keeps me going I think, I think the utter discomfort of this and the fact I don’t want anyone else to go through it makes me more determined to fight it to find out a way to solve it for other people in the future!

What get’s me is cancer, yes cancer does not discriminate! That is right people! It doesn’t care if you are a man, woman, trans, gender neutral, strong, weak or which culture you are from!

Cancer is a massive ball of evil, it tears people apart, physically and mentally. It ruins lives, takes lives, it leaves nothing but photographs and memories!

From that moment someone says to you, “it’s cancer”, your world sinks, looking back on memories then become that more important, those people in your memories become all that more important. Life is a crazy rollercoaster!

I am pretty sure, that life for me has always been pretty fearless. Nothing has ever phased me to much, I have lived out of a backpack for almost a year now! But I can tell you right now, I know who I am more than ever now!

The people who are putting me down, my so-called friends who have done the same, my lovable trolls as well! You know what it doesn’t even matter!

Again, mind over matter, I don’t mind so you don’t matter! Drops the mic!

About PeeWeeToms

So what's the story? Well in 2015 I was diagnosed with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma. To say the least it was aweful, I have managed to get through three years now with it coming back with vengance 4 times. On the 29th December 2017 I found it had likely spread. This is my dialogue with myself.

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6 Comments on “The Past Is Just That The Past!”

  1. You are a soldier! To those who can not support you are so very far below you,intimidated because YOU matter. What you are hoping to achieve MATTERS ! Such a selfless act,a beautiful act.caing beyound words…….I drop to my knees and pray for your relief……GOD SPEED MAN………A GIRL NAMED MICHELLE IN STONE MOUNTAIN GEORGIA XOXO

  2. I really just don’t get how people are still trolling you. Then again trolls will be trolls, doesn’t matter the veracity of the trollee. (using my $10 werds today)

    When was this picture taken? How many years before the diagnosis? Any particular importance?

    I know this is not very paradigm of virtue of me, but I’d really love to take a nice prison shank to them. Have you ever seen Obama’s anger translator? That’s what I’m talking about.

    Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?

    Too many cheetahs.

  3. You are not a circus clown Dan! You are a wonderful human being that we all care so much about. And there is nothing whatsoever that is entertaining about watching you go through this hell.

  4. As I said before and I will say it again I love you! I am old enough to be your mother and with age comes wisdom–at least for me. I see the pain on your face–at the same time you strive to remain positive. You don’t deserve the nasty comments. Chalk it up to ignorant on their part. Thank you for sharing your story. Billie Jean from Texas

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