Words cannot convey they intrinsic fear of the unknown, words can’t even express the dismay that is felt, thinking about my life before cancer, the way that I used to be and the way I loved life!
Don’t get me wrong I try make the most out of life now still, but that is limited by pain, fatigue and a bunch of other factors. I do however try and make my life matter!
People say mind over matter don’t they, what about what doesn’t matter shouldn’t mind being pushed aside. My old life is now pushed aside, put to bed, put in a draw, only photos remind me of that life now.
The friends I have loved and lost, the ones I who have stood by me, the ones who have not. Those snapshots of life, those photographs that document my slow but steady downfall to now.
I started my adult life with drive, ambition, love for the unknown, fearless in every situation. I would have fought an army alone, I would have always bitten off more than I could chew. I would definitely have done it, but with a lot of that Dutch courage, but my point is I would have done it!
Now though, sheesh! I wouldn’t even need that Dutch courage, I would just dive in head first and hope for the best! I have told doctors to give me a scalpel, I would cut this horrific thing out myself and bleed out just to be rid of the pain!
People say their heartbreaks for me, but in reality, we all love a good tragedy, I am a circus clown there for people’s entertainment now, I get questioned daily on my legitimacy and that I don’t look sick!
By all means, come meet me, you wouldn’t last a second in a ring with me, even though I am dying! My sheer aggravation level keeps me going I think, I think the utter discomfort of this and the fact I don’t want anyone else to go through it makes me more determined to fight it to find out a way to solve it for other people in the future!
What get’s me is cancer, yes cancer does not discriminate! That is right people! It doesn’t care if you are a man, woman, trans, gender neutral, strong, weak or which culture you are from!
Cancer is a massive ball of evil, it tears people apart, physically and mentally. It ruins lives, takes lives, it leaves nothing but photographs and memories!
From that moment someone says to you, “it’s cancer”, your world sinks, looking back on memories then become that more important, those people in your memories become all that more important. Life is a crazy rollercoaster!
I am pretty sure, that life for me has always been pretty fearless. Nothing has ever phased me to much, I have lived out of a backpack for almost a year now! But I can tell you right now, I know who I am more than ever now!
The people who are putting me down, my so-called friends who have done the same, my lovable trolls as well! You know what it doesn’t even matter!
Again, mind over matter, I don’t mind so you don’t matter! Drops the mic!