As I sit here, people watching and holding back tears, I realise that not one soul who is walking by knows how much pain is in my heart, head and body. Not one of them needs to be bothered by my suffering.
It doesn’t affect them, it doesn’t even need enter their consciousness.
How do you cope, how do you cope with the uncertainty that lays ahead, again today we found two more lumps, tumours, cancer in my body.
It doesn’t take a scientist to know how strong willed I am and how determined I am, but this is hard, it’s lonely, it’s painful.
There is no strategy to make me better, they is no rhyme or reason for how bad my cancer is, it just is consuming me, more and more each day. It’s breaking my heart let alone anyone else’s, functioning day to day is getting harder, I have a constant pain in my left side, left chest wall and chest pains. Not to mention that walking, or just doing anything is exhausting, making someone laugh drains me totally.
Pretending to be ok is the hardest part not to upset people, and the constant you can do this, the constant chatter of people behind my back, the lies that are told, the rumours, the you’ll be fine’s.
I may be fine, but ill be disabled, I may be fine but I will have nothing of my old life left! Not that I have much as it is now! Today sucks! Today needs to do one!
My vlog is not a good picture of how I feel all the time, it is just the ups not all the downs, as they are far harder to document as a single entity.
Cancer is a lonely place, it’s a feeling that seems to rip you apart, tears you limb from limb, it’s like a constant annoyance cropping up in every thought, every moment. It’s consuming and people who say “try forget about it”, how about you try forget about the fact your in pain and can’t be like everyone else anymore!
Every taste, texture, embrace, hug, and goodbye you worry could be your last, you never know how long you have in this situation, you never know how you will feel tomorrow, you don’t know where it has spread to or going to spread to.
It’s pure evil, it’s a cataclysm of emotions, turmoil and broken dreams. Those broken dreams come in many forms, so many forms that the body and mind doesn’t always know how to deal with. There is jealousy of others and that constant why me, that feeling sorry for your self-feeling that you know you shouldn’t have but do!
Broken lives, hearts that won’t mend, cancer eats away not only at the patient, but to the loved ones, friends and people closest to them. Most of the time it is lack of understanding that leads to them to believe you are dealing with ok, that things aren’t as bad as they are, when in actual fact they couldn’t be worse. Holding just your head up can be hard, use to much energy and be the most awkward of tasks.
That brave face that hides the pain, that hides the reality of it all, that same brave face that doesn’t know whether to run, hide or just disappear.
Today is a lonely day. Today is heart breaking. Today is the worst.
I just hope that all of this is not in vain, not for no reason, not for nothing!