Cancer Is A Lonely Place

As I sit here, people watching and holding back tears, I realise that not one soul who is walking by knows how much pain is in my heart, head and body. Not one of them needs to be bothered by my suffering.

It doesn’t affect them, it doesn’t even need enter their consciousness.

How do you cope, how do you cope with the uncertainty that lays ahead, again today we found two more lumps, tumours, cancer in my body.

It doesn’t take a scientist to know how strong willed I am and how determined I am, but this is hard, it’s lonely, it’s painful.

There is no strategy to make me better, they is no rhyme or reason for how bad my cancer is, it just is consuming me, more and more each day. It’s breaking my heart let alone anyone else’s, functioning day to day is getting harder, I have a constant pain in my left side, left chest wall and chest pains. Not to mention that walking, or just doing anything is exhausting, making someone laugh drains me totally.

Pretending to be ok is the hardest part not to upset people, and the constant you can do this, the constant chatter of people behind my back, the lies that are told, the rumours, the you’ll be fine’s.

I may be fine, but ill be disabled, I may be fine but I will have nothing of my old life left! Not that I have much as it is now! Today sucks! Today needs to do one!

My vlog is not a good picture of how I feel all the time, it is just the ups not all the downs, as they are far harder to document as a single entity.

Cancer is a lonely place, it’s a feeling that seems to rip you apart, tears you limb from limb, it’s like a constant annoyance cropping up in every thought, every moment. It’s consuming and people who say “try forget about it”, how about you try forget about the fact your in pain and can’t be like everyone else anymore!

Every taste, texture, embrace, hug, and goodbye you worry could be your last, you never know how long you have in this situation, you never know how you will feel tomorrow, you don’t know where it has spread to or going to spread to.

It’s pure evil, it’s a cataclysm of emotions, turmoil and broken dreams. Those broken dreams come in many forms, so many forms that the body and mind doesn’t always know how to deal with. There is jealousy of others and that constant why me, that feeling sorry for your self-feeling that you know you shouldn’t have but do!

Broken lives, hearts that won’t mend, cancer eats away not only at the patient, but to the loved ones, friends and people closest to them. Most of the time it is lack of understanding that leads to them to believe you are dealing with ok, that things aren’t as bad as they are, when in actual fact they couldn’t be worse. Holding just your head up can be hard, use to much energy and be the most awkward of tasks.

That brave face that hides the pain, that hides the reality of it all, that same brave face that doesn’t know whether to run, hide or just disappear.

Today is a lonely day. Today is heart breaking. Today is the worst.

I just hope that all of this is not in vain, not for no reason, not for nothing!

About PeeWeeToms

So what's the story? Well in 2015 I was diagnosed with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma. To say the least it was aweful, I have managed to get through three years now with it coming back with vengance 4 times. On the 29th December 2017 I found it had likely spread. This is my dialogue with myself.

View all posts by PeeWeeToms

8 Comments on “Cancer Is A Lonely Place”

  1. I found myself crying after reading this post… you convey your despair and loneliness well in your writing. How awful to have found two more lumps… does that make nine total? (not that it matters, you don’t have to answer that.) You got so, so screwed over, right from your first surgery when they did not get clean margins.
    I can only imagine the pressure to be cheerful for those watching on youtube or instagram. I’m glad you are finding time and space for these entries, which I, at least, get the most out of. You are sharing your heart, your feelings, what you are really going through to the best of your ability, without trying to “please” people and entertain them. I think you are a great guy who could conceivably wind up a brutal statistic of the piss-poor ineptitude of the medical community all throughout the world. They are smart, but they serve insurance companies or socialized medicine… money is what they really serve. they do not care about us. The hippocritical oath!

    1. Unfortunately not everything can be fixed. I was in the room with a Dr. and I was emotional and venting. I said well the bottom line is there are many illnesses that nothing is going to fix. She was fairly young…paused, and said yes, I know..I have early onset Alzheimer’s. Oops, I felt terrible. Shortly after she had to stop working.

  2. Goddamit I am so sorry. I wish I could take it all away. Wish I could truly understand and make it better. It is an impossible crazy place you’re in. Coming back from war and in war while the rest of us are watching the fucking Kardashians.

  3. I Have just watched you vlog. Yes cancer us so very lonely,so all consuming. There are not words to express the privilege I feel when you post such raw,heartfelt blogs. Such pain and yet such beauty,not in disease,but in human spirit. You are one in a million. You,your journey,your Grace has captivated me. I pray for you and your family and all who love you. I thank you for the gift of all you stand for and the glimpse into this journey. I thank you for the reminder that hope is key. Soar on Dan….peace …..a girl in Stone Mountain,Georgia xo

  4. Dan, you are a beautiful gift to all who know you and follow you. You articulate with painful clarity what it’s like to live with a cruel disease. In so doing, you are changing people. You’re changing well people to have more compassion for those who are suffering. And you’re inspiring those who suffer, to know someone understands, to know it’s ok to be terrified, and to face their illness with courage. I believe because of what you are doing, effective treatments WILL be found and others will be spared the pain you are experiencing. Love and prayers going out to you, Claire, and your family, from Kansas City, Missouri.

Leave a Reply