So, I am finding it all a bit hard now, survival is obviously top of my list but I am so weak and so zoned out and my understanding of things is slowly getting distorted.
I have worries about my body image, how people perceive me and how people really want to interact with me, I guess that’s paranoia in some degree but in other ways it’s perfectly justified.
I have become some what an object that people look at daily to see my progress and I am sure to see if I am still alive.
As much as people want me to survive and want to see the underdog win, there’s probably slim chance of that happening now. I wish I could convey they pain, heart ache and anguish that is present in me. The constant fear that a breath will be my last and that some things I do maybe the last time I do them.
That being said the worry that this may be the last mothers day I spend with my mum, started to become a worry, the fact I may not see 33 and that I may never see my beloved Paris and New York again.
I am scared but at the same time I am determined! I am very determined to win this fight! I know now what I need to do to win but scared it is all to late and the options for treatment may be refused. I need to self fund a lot of stuff and can’t afford it, in the UK we have the NHS and arguably the greatest health care system in the world. But saying that they can still refuse to continue care if they think there is nothing they can do for you.
So, saying that I am looking for all my options now before I run out and see if I can beatthis horrific illness.