Dying To Have A Good Time! Today I Feel The Cancer More Than Ever!

I am currently sat in bed, I am currently finding it hard to move, I am currently in pain, I am currently in tears!

I am currently battling cancer! I am CURRENTLY BATTLING CANCER!

Today is the first day I have felt I am losing against it ever! I have never felt this way before! I have never felt so low, miserable and unwell in my life.

I am having issues with almost every part of my body no and I feel like I may keel over at any point! I am seriously stuck in this situation! I am seriously in over my head! I am seriously worried about this situation as soon I may end up being dead!

I am a positive person, but I am realistic, I know when something is not right and this feels like it is not right.

If I gave you my symptoms you would say seek help, If I told you my feelings you would lock me up.

I feel trapped, I now feel trapped in a body that I don’t want. In a skin that is not my own! In a world I have no control of.

I am sick! I am run down! I want it to end! I WANT IT TO END!

I don’t know how much I can take now, I am unsure how much mentally I can take either! There seems to be this ugly mother fudger on my shoulder shouting at me saying end it! Then an pretty ass angel on the other side saying nooooo!

The problem now is I know whats happening, I can feel it all, I also know I have no hope left really of staying ok for long! I am sick! I am unwell! I am scared to sleep!

I am a persona! I am not me anymore! I am not happy, neither am I sad. I am in a grey area of I am just GLAD to be alive, but some times I wish I had died!

It’s hard to understand, it’s hard to explain!

I was ignored! I was left to fend for myself!

I won’t give up, I just feel like poo!

If you need cheering up now here’s yesterdays video…

About PeeWeeToms

So what's the story? Well in 2015 I was diagnosed with a Sarcomatoid Carcinoma. To say the least it was aweful, I have managed to get through three years now with it coming back with vengance 4 times. On the 29th December 2017 I found it had likely spread. This is my dialogue with myself.

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3 Comments on “Dying To Have A Good Time! Today I Feel The Cancer More Than Ever!”

  1. I shouldn’t say it but I am worrying about you, too, after reading your latest posts… How frightening it must be for you… But as long as you’re breathing, blinking and thinking, there is hope!!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    So you say you have an appetite but losing weight anyway? I didn’t understand that exactly, or if that was what you meant. But i think, at least, you said you were losing weight… can the doctors give you anything so you could eat more? maybe some good old fashioned pot/marijuana/weed/etc, whatever it’s called over there?

    my husband’s step-mom had a brain tumor and she used some kind of cannabis oil and was not in pain at all, not ever. it was amazing… do they have that over there?

    You only have to get through today… don’t worry about tomorrow quite yet, just worry about today! Think positive thoughts!

    All claws crossed and cheering for you over here in the states!!! πŸ˜€

    1. I can get it yeah, I am looking into the appetite issue now, I am losing weight but its due to only being able to eat a shed load in one go not over a day. I have to wait till my stomach settles.

      It really sucks at the moment and ever so scary πŸ™

  2. I don’t know you…just found you on YouTube. I am a 43 years old wife from Germany and a Christian. Sending all my prayers to God and to you and wishing you the best. The very best. ❀️

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