So, I posted a video on my suicide attempt last year, which was just one of many. Call me unstable if you like but I know I am not. I was going through a horrific time and lost almost every part of me in the process.
The video detailed what I had done, and the events that lead up to it, but I wanted to explain the process of my suicidal thoughts and how it felt at that time.
What I Thought…
There is no way to really explain this and seem rational, none of it was rational.
My life had changed so much I did not feel like me at all, I did not feel like I could carry on, I became life less, a shell of my former self as people say.
I just wanted it over, I couldn’t cope with the idea of recurring cancer, the unknown and life with suffering. I now realise that I suffer more than most each day, the pain I have is so bad at times I can’t feel it as I go numb. I haven’t even managed to find a way other than mind over matter to manage the pain. Opiates don’t work or meds, it’s not a fun for me at all.
I am partial to suicide attempts some would say, I am also partial to getting off my face to numb the pain and psychological pain. I always ignore if others abuse me and take it as if they are just being themselves or I have done something wrong. I am used to being blamed for other’s mistakes, I am used to being made to feel tiny! I am used to being the scape goat!
The crazy part is you would be hard pressed to find a person willing to die for anyone, but I would say I am your man in that situation! I would totally if I believed in it enough!
So, suicidal thoughts to me come thick and fast! Only me can stop that, even when I’m happy I don’t believe I am happy or good enough to be happy. I never believe in myself enough to feel I am worth much more than nothing.
I hate that I have cancer, I hated that I got it, I felt I had ruined everyone else’s lives with my diagnosis, I felt that I had become a burden.
I know I am not now but then I felt like I had let everyone else down! Also trust me to have a type that can’t be fixed and nothings known about it!
Because I felt I had let everyone down, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I also was constantly told everything was my fault, I was emotionally abused heavily. I now realise that nothing was actually my fault, I had given my take numerous times on things and explained what situations where and those who chose to ignore that are just fickle, I have no time for those people now.
The emotional stuff was subtle and over time but never the less there, I didn’t leave my house for months on end unless to get milk or bread.
Life sometimes gets to much for people. I know it got to much for me, I actually know it got to much for me. I chose to try take my life at numerous points.
I know for me there is a clear correlation between stress, worry and fear and me thinking like this. I try to manage my stress, I try to manage my worries and fears. It doesn’t help I don’t have answers now, but I can search for them and at least that may help me and others.
I just hope what I am doing helps others and holds value for others.
If you are thinking of taking your life, reconsider what you can do if you put your mind to it! Running away sometimes does help to clear your thoughts! But never go though things alone! Always speak out and try get help!
One Comment on “Cancer & Suicidal Thoughts”
Wow, this blog entry must be the thoughts of every cancer patient. I applaud you for making this blog. People need to know they’re not alone. You are not alone. You are not a burden. Getting cancer isn’t your fault and no rational person could ever blame you.
There are many ups and downs with cancer. Hang in there, there is always light after the dark. Things always get better. ?