Over the years I am sure numerous people would say I am many different people, I am fun loving, devious, nasty, vindictive, abusive, aggressive, loving, convoluted, deceitful, pretty boy, sex addict, alcoholic, drug user, fight happy and the rest.
The short answer is, I am sure at some point that I have been every single one of them, I would at one point had a fight with anyone if they disagreed with me, now days though I wouldn’t hurt a fly. At one point I would have gone out for days and not come home on a serious session.
I remember the once being so bad my mom and dad kidnapped me and dragged me to Scotland to sober me up, even though I didn’t want to go.
I got arrested the once and wasn’t allowed out for days as no one was able to bail me and my parents refused. Served me right really, I did call a police officer numerous names and fight him so yeah, I was a dick.
Drugs, well I had two recreational drugs and they were opium based and lsd based (not heroin I’m not that stupid). At the time I was into escaping reality as I had gone through a lot of trauma when I was thirteen years old. I basically died for a bit after a hypoxic brain injury from suffocation. (a story for another time when I want to go through that again! Yeah, I am unlucky!)
I had a rough time getting my brain to act correctly after this took around 10 years to be semi normal again but in that time, I had taken up drinking, smoking and getting high. Escaping reality is an art, to do it correctly you need to know just how much to do and how much to drink to just be on the cusp of walking on water.
Now, these days I despise drugs, I even hate drinking but occasionally drink but must be seriously careful because I become seriously stupid, and yeah do dumb stuff you wouldn’t believe.
Relationships well let’s ignore that subject, I suck at making friends, keeping girlfriends and the rest so let’s skim over that.
Lets just say at one point I had a bet with a barman that I could get laid with a different girl every night for a month, I did and took a photo of each one after and posted it on social media so I was a huge dick!
The likely hood of someone actually knowing much about me is slim, I am not the kind of person who can convey what I feel or want to feel. But I know exactly who I aspire to be, I know who I always wanted to be, and I know I am nothing like I wanted to be!
Anyway, I am Daniel Thomas. I am caring, I am someone who cares, I am someone who tries every day to be more, I am someone who tries to make sense of all the madness. I don’t often succeed at these things, but I try. Most of all I will always be there for people even if they are not for me!
I can’t stand seeing others upset, I also can’t deal very well with people making mistakes when they can be avoided so easily, but I guess that’s how we learn.
So, what of me now, what do I want to be? I am apparently narcissistic and sociopathic which is absolute rubbish, I always tend to put others first when it is physically possible. I would do anything for any one and have foregone so much putting others first! I get that from my mum, I don’t think that people I have known through the years realise just how much I have done for them, I have never asked for a single thing in return! I have fed people, given them a place to live, I have given people money, jobs when they are jobless, been there when they are at their lowest and listened to every little problem people had with me.
But, when I have been objective it all goes wrong, I become the bad guy and what I have done for others goes out the window. Take my old job, I could prove that numerous people had stolen from the company and could trace it all, but then I became enemy number one because they thought that meant I could fiddle the system! Some people really are thick! I was trying to protect your interests not mine! If I was going to steal from you I wouldn’t show you how! You fool’s!
I have only just started to regain control of my own life, I have no bad intentions in anything I do, I have a few primary objectives now. That is to get this cancer issue fixed, make my money back, get a new home, a new car and start building from there! I have a great career, I am a leader in my field and I can’t argue with that and get calls daily asking if I can do work for people. I turn most of them down but hey ho I’m sick, so I’m allowed!
Some would argue cancer has changed me but… Cancer doesn’t change people, and if it does it only makes them have a fresh perspective of what is important, but it doesn’t change people in my opinion, but it definitely changes the people around you! Eggshells don’t exist, and people most definitely don’t walk on them, they just talk in riddles and scathe over subjects to keep peace but don’t realise it’s not a problem to talk about things. The fact they don’t spit out what they want to say is the worst part!
It’s safe to say I am nothing like I used to be when younger, but I am a lot more grown up and have seen things and done things that defined me as person. I have made mistakes, I have learnt from them and I have learnt more than the average person in my life so far!
BTW my back is killing right now! Like throbbing with pain!
No one gets to say who you are! NO ONE! Don’t allow others to tell your life story! Don’t let others make up people’s opinions of you before they meet you! Just don’t you are better than that!
Some part of me writes this blog, just to argue with myself over my past, learn from it and make the future better, so enjoy my ramblings!
One Comment on “Who Am I? Seriously Who Am I?”
peace to you…when i was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer i did the exact oppositte..i refused radiation and chemo and opted for palliation..quality became the issue not quantity..