Today has started off with a strange turn of events, I woke up to a call off the hospital asking me to attend urgently due to something found by my doctor. I have no idea who referred it or why? Also I wasn’t aware of a break in anything appart from my nose so a little odd. (Update, on further info it’s to check for bone cancer)
Safe to say I said no I can’t go today, but will tomorrow when I have a my full set of checkups. I’m still not sure what could warrant me going to a fracture clinic though! (Obvs I know now).
I am writing this blog from Costa, why? Well I can! Wouldn’t you if you had nothing else to do, I do work but I freelance so have a lot more freedom in what I do.
A little background on me, I am a geek! In the truest sense of the word, I program software for companies, re-develop brands and help them make headway on the web.
I am currently working with companies in Mayfair, London and a few in the Midlands. Luckily, Christmas has been a great guise for me not working but that will wear off soon, so what then!
I think I may write a separate blog post on dealing with the day to day of cancer, work and people as there seems to be so much unexplored by individuals. There is so much that happens, breakdowns in communication, breakdowns in relationships, hardships that you would never ever thing possible.
The hurt that comes with dealing with others can be worse that the hurt of the cancer itself, I find that people deal with everything in their own way, some are completely irrational and disrespectful. Others can be beautiful and perfect individuals that inspire, I find there are a lot more of the first type.
But trust me when you meet one of the latter, you will be so grateful that you met them! Words can’t even express how much I find beautiful now, not just people, but situations, architecture, landscapes and most of all I appreciate every breath I take.
I hate being put into a position where I lose my temper and end up putting someone down, I like to be objective now and try solving everything in the most amicable way I can. Younger me would have shot first and asked questions later.
Smart people tend to make the worst decisions in life unless helped by others to keep their ideas within their station, distractions and ideas can flow to much and penetrate their daily thought processes to much leading to stupid decisions, I am no stranger to this!
The psychology of cancer is a hard one, it’s hard to know how you feel day to day as you become numb to things. Then on the other hand a single song can trigger fits of laughter, or just the most incredible breath-taking sobbing, crying and panic.
I am in panic mode, I am in fight or flight mode now, I am not someone who gives up, but I am having thoughts of what happens if I do, what happens if I have no choice, what if I succumb to the nothing.
I made a cheeky little reference to the never-ending story then, my favourite film ever made! I love the idea, the concept and obviously Falcor! Also, the soundtrack is so 80’s it hurts!
Anyway, today I am trying to make headway in pain relief. I have the worst pain in my left lung region, and in my upper back and chest. The lump that I found last week is being seen tomorrow as well as the other issues, so I hope I get some good news, but I am not holding my breath.
I have had to argue all week to be seen by the oncologist and persistence has been key! I think now they are taking it all a bit more seriously as they have a time limit on how long it can be left for. As for my arm, it is still numb, so I hope they can just operate on my left side and remove everything that’s causing the issues. I have never been in so much pain, I am also having trouble sleeping due to breathing.
It’s only 12:50 so let’s see what the day brings, I am going to do some research and try get to grips with what’s going on a bit more.