Tomorrow may have me more scared than I have ever been, I know I am sick but what is causing it! I know I have this aggy lump in my left side, I know I have one in my back and I know I am unwell and my left lungs playing up. All that keeps going through my head is Nikki Grahame going “Who is she, who is she!”. But replacing she with what! What is it, what is it!
So, what of it, well there are numerous out comes tomorrow, but the best would be surgical intervention just to remove the lumps and get its histology. Obviously, they won’t operate tomorrow I don’t think but if they arrange for it to happen it’s a start. They have had a week to ponder what it is.
The back pain now is now intolerable, it is just painful. I have a cushion behind me to arch my back a bit and make it less miserable.
I think deep down I am expecting it to be bad news, I have no way of knowing the full extent of things but judging by my rapid decline, and the rapid growth of lumps it surely can’t be positive.
Like I have said numerous times before it’s not easy to treat and sucks that no one knows much about it, I just wish finally I can get a bit more help with it all and be put in better stead to carry on my life.
And if that is not the case I hope I can be informed a bit more on what the future holds, I know no one can tell the future but it would be nice to just have an idea of what I can expect and not just be pushed aside.
It took 2 years just to see an oncologist after fighting with numerous health trusts and finally getting the Royal Marsden involved we got progress. I was lied to by loads of people in the beginning about it all and the truth of it hid from me, so I am not willing to allow that to happen again.
My mother has decided that she is coming with, Claire is coming to, I think just to laugh at me when I have blood taken as I hate it! But at least I have some support.
I am trying not to think about it all so going to watch some boring TV and do some work!