This year has been an incredibly hard year; I have had relationships fail, Cancerous tissue found in numerous places in my body, three Surgeries and the impending worry of more in the future, I lost my business as well which sucked. Oh, not to mention three attempts at taking my life, getting banned from driving and the rest of the dumb stuff I have done to try cope with it all.
Where Did It All Start!!!
The start of the year I was flying, making money, making a lot of it. I had built a successful business, I built well known platforms for people to get exposure on the web. Anyways that not what this is about.
I had a home, I had a fiancé, I had my dogs, I had a life! That life wasn’t what I wanted! It was nothing like I thought it would be!
Cancer makes people bitter, people prey on the sob story and people look at you differently but are you different NO! You are the same person, you are beautiful, you are a soul that the world should still adore the same way as before.
I isolated myself from my so-called friends, I isolated myself from everyone because I thought they were judging me all the time.
It’s lonely here, it’s lonely there, but alone I know that only I care…
I have such an active mind that I am always looking and analysing everything around me and must try make sense of everything, but I simply couldn’t. How can you make sense of situations, I was scared that the Cancer would come back at any point, I found it very hard to deal with!
Every cold, every small thing made me worry. I finally forgot about it at the start of 2017 and thought it’s been almost two years I must be fine.
Then in February BOOM! I get fatigued, can’t stay awake or concentrate and feel a lump in my scar! I got an appointment to see the specialist and they said it needed to come out, I had extensive surgery on my back. That meant I couldn’t run my business while I was unwell, and I got complaint after complaint and I realised maybe easier to just stop trading till I know what is happening.
Low and behold the lump was cancerous, it was also a lot bigger than expected which meant I needed further surgery, I had tons of scans which all showed nothing, my blood showed nothing, but I had this evil fucker in my body eating me up from my very soul.
It crushed me, it broke me down to the smallest I have ever felt. Everyone telling me I will be fine once they have taken it out but seriously! I know that cancer patients usually get treatment options, I don’t get those! I get told surgery is the only preventative measure, I get told I will hopefully be fine! I am in fucking agony most the time after surgery and I am mentally tortured by it all.
Counselling won’t help I could probably educate most counsellors on ways to manage stress and pressure, I am usually calm about it all but sometimes I explode, I am a ticking time bomb. There is no other way to explain it! I am!
Come May of 2017, I had surgery again and seriously it hurt! I made jokes as I always do with the staff in the QE, they are always such nice people, but it didn’t help that a few weeks before I had a touch of pneumonia and was very sick.
Hiding how I feel is a skill I have learnt due to people’s lack of understanding and bitterness towards me, I have been told I use it to pick up women, I have been told I am a liar by friends and workplaces over time, I just can’t be fucked with other human’s ideas of me! I don’t wish this limbo on anyone at all there is nothing nice about this pain, there is nothing nice about this torture!
All I want to do is go back to when I was in my late teens sat in my mom’s garden smoking, drinking and singing around a fire (This was when my mom and dad went away). I was carefree and had the world ahead of me! I explored the world and saw things that I wanted to see, I didn’t give a fuck, I was able to do what I wanted within reason. Now I am not even an 8th of that person, I lack the outgoing part, I lack the social skills and I lack the trust to talk to new people. I always see the worst in them.
Anywho, I had surgery, it wasn’t pleasant, and it hurt like hell! I went home with my then fiancé, decided to just distant and again further solidified my opinions of other people, I decided a week later that it wasn’t good for me an I ended it all for good. Originally, I had ended it in the April but thought let’s see what happens.
I don’t want to get into what that relationship was like, but it was highly abusive! It was controlling and not from the side that it is purported to be from! I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to get away from it!
By doing that I lost my home, she became something else in my opinion, blaming me for everything under the sun that happened to her when in fact it was nothing to do with me! I had tried to explain things for months and it is not my fault that she did not listen! I hadn’t earnt money for months, I had literally nothing, I couldn’t get any help from the government as the assessor decided I wasn’t sick enough even though I have a 32cm cut in my back, cancer and I was unwell. But I was fine apparently! Absolute twats! Actually, twats are useful!
It’s amazing how since, I have seen people socially influence her decisions and actually tried to manipulate her, use her and abuse her! So, called friends even doing the same! People don’t get that I get told things and see social media.
Now this has made people bitter against me again and have an opinion of me that is not at all true! It’s a shame but you know what cut your losses! You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink as they say! I just can’t be arsed to lead them to the source and explain the benefits of the truth.
As intelligent as people think they are they are still fickle and easily lead! So, yeah, I became homeless, that added to my pressures!
I went to V Festival in August and I have to say that I saw one of my idols play that is the awesome Jay-Z and his set was amazing! James Arthur wasn’t to bad either but yeah, I had enough by the Sunday and just left with my bro!
Anyway, cancer and homeless, what do you do! I got a job and I adored it, I was building software for some huge companies and was ace! I did that for a month and then I got a call from the hospital telling me I had to go back in as there was something suspicious found in my histology. I was asked to see the doctor the next day, with preliminary surgery planned.
I lost the plot then, I couldn’t take it all. I couldn’t take the abuse from people, I couldn’t take the cancer, I couldn’t take not having a home to go back to that was mine.
I booked into a hotel, I asked some of my mates to come out as I needed a drink. The intention wasn’t to get drunk it was to get obliterated to the point I kill myself, I am shocked I didn’t do something more than I did to be honest.
I got to the town centre, booked into my hotel. Went to the room, checked it out and it wasn’t fit for purpose. I planned it all day, I planned how it should be! I went back to the front desk and asked to change rooms. I needed it laid out a certain way, I needed it to be how I wanted it to be! I wanted total control over a situation for once in my life!
I got the right room, It had a window that opened fully, it looked out over the town, it was clean, it had a shower curtain, it had everything I needed.
I didn’t stay in the room more than 5 minutes, I necked a small bottle of jaeger and made my way to the pub.
On getting there I started on double jaegers and redbull, I had at least 10 in the first pub along with a bottle of red wine. I then went to the next pub, still with every intention of ending my life, I drank more. Purposely posted pictures of me looking happy so as no one could say I did it because I was sad, I wanted mystery, I wanted no one to think that I had enough I wanted it to look accidental.
I carried on drinking, pint after pint, jaeger bomb after jaeger bomb, then I had the idea lets go to the club, I am guessing I was completely fucked off my face at this time as I was turned away for being battered.
At this point my brain kicked in and thought what are you doing, you have an agenda and you need to go through with it! What the hell are you playing at!
That’s when inner conflict kicked in and I was utterly confused, drunk and alone! No one knew what I had planned, no one knew how I felt, no one knew how much everything had broken me and how others had made me feel. Everything that day was planned down to the people about me and around.
I should at this point say that this wasn’t a cry for help it was meticulously planned and thought out but the next part was not planned!
The inner conflict meant that my brain had a rush of I need to talk to someone normal and not associated with anything, someone rational. So, I made a call, then I decided that being where I was wasn’t helping me, I needed to see this person in person as I would have gone through with it if left alone.
I made a stupid decision to get in my car, I drove around the corner and luckily, I crashed, no one was injured but me. I had a broken nose, cheek and whiplash but was alive. I got arrested, I went into a cell. My plan failed, it failed immensely!
I only just made my hospital appointment the next day as I had been locked up for so long and the police wouldn’t release me till my alcohol level was below the limit. I wasn’t until 1pm the next day!
I made the appointment and yeah I was to gone to do anything so yeah that’s that!
I decided at that point that I think maybe I should try sort my head out! I quit my job, I started to think what would make me happy!
I wasn’t banned from driving at this point which was lucky! I got banned on the 15th September L mega bummer!
My bro got married on the 30th September and it was amazing! They are such a cool couple and they have some awesome friends, I can’t really fault those two months.
The End of The Year…
My nephew turned two a few days after my birthday and he is such a diamond, he is such a rare happy little chap! What get’s me is how intelligent he is and how much he loves everyone, his childish love of everyone and everything is how I want to be and how I feel that everyone should be. Caring for each other, loving each other no matter what!
So, I turned 32 which I didn’t expect a few years ago at all, I made it. I don’t expect much in life now, I have no home still. I sofa surf and I look forward to the day that I may get a new home but I don’t hold out hope for that really now as I am broke as hell and it will take a lot of time and I get sick all the time.
On the 29th of December 2017, I found another lump under my arm close to my ribs, lung and chest. I also found two lumps in my back by my spine. I am awaiting tests on these.